It is also the ever ongoing stimulation of abusing sex which leaves me
 in pain, stress and finally alone.  This is one aspect why I don't have
many contacts.
This I noticed repeatedly over years.

After this heavy stimulation of abusing sex a few days before
there were talks in my head and I called the stimulation of sadistic
sex sexual abuse.

It is against my will and knowledge when it happens in my sleep.
It fits in the definition of  sexual abuse. The difficulty with this
sadistic sex is I am also emotionally inside with positive feelings
involved. When I have severe stimulation of such sex positive
feelings related to it  get quite strong and may overwhelm my
conscious decision making.
That does not mean that I want such sex or the pain and stress will
not arrive.