Saturday, February 18, 2017

What yesterday was announced did not happen.
I woke up and noticed no strong pain or abuse.
Mostly but not always  such announcements which told what later
should happen came true.
From the many painful stimulations I have an ongoing effect on my
body. I managed to meditate in the past a lot which countered much
of the effects. This I have  not manage the last years.  Often I just
could not think of it like it was with learning English.
I have to restart doing a lot of meditation. With it I can get my
strength back and sort out my mind. This I have to do first because I am
everything else than efficient in many things, burned out.
I have been passive often the last few years. Partly this came from many
years of stress and abuse and I could no more and did
no more want to take it. But did not find a way out and got depressed.
Today I noticed I am more free in my mind to go my way
and and noticed that I now can address this problem mentally
which I started and will have to do some time to be mentally better
prepared for future abuse. This means being less passive and being
active as far as I can and also want.
I could not write a police report about this stuff. I did not
manage and I blame me for this. Yes it appears weak.Yes I could tell
a lot why I did not manage to do it. I will later.
My depression which is not only the stuff I mentioned needs addressing
too. When I have my mental freedom I will try to address it with
mental work. The abuse is partly just shocking to me. In high stress
times the last few years mental work isn't much possible.
Voices which I think are not myown like lecturing me a lot about this
or that and disturbing talks during the day curb my thinking. Voices
are very disturbing for that.
I notice difficulty writing. I hope it is just once and not repeating in

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